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2/7/25 There's no abstract sanity to the pen that blots the irritable press. Had you asked me a decade ago let alone at the ripe age of 18 if I would be writing and splattering a released shadow to the older version of me/myself I wholeheartedly would be in denial. I suppose it's no exception to either of us that I'm teeter totting from the front pages of this blank and dotted canvas instead of the usual back pages which are torn off to give away. Nevermind the irony on how it's dubbed from a notebook called "The Hot Mess Book of Everything Else Continued Live Roleplay." It's hard to deny you and I are undoubtedly the same. We can both throw out rhetorics as I write this in 4 in the morning as much as we want. It's what we're good at doing because as much as we can both try to deny it, our root level is defined as dreamers who have both been crushed by those who have other ideas in the head to prevent them from ever happening. Admittedly I am unsure of how many times I have already met you. I can only take a wild guess as it adds up to the seemingly amount of times I felt I have also lost a friend. The same one whom has been there the whole time. Looking back I did not understand. Now I do. I understand the feeling why for the greater part of my life that & what has been missing. I also understand if I feel this way there is a high chance you have felt the same confusion especially over these last several years. It scares you & undoubtedly it scares me too. This is why we keep everyone at arms length. I'm fully aware that the bravery of this "call" will go unanswered. For many years we both have been running from others because of the betrayal that love throws at us every day. We've opened up our hearts & then become scared only for us to get crushed by the ones who were supposed to be on our team because they demand things that you nor I can provide them. In the end it ends up in retaliation and pain, which is where & why we turn to the stars, to look and ask why they left us both down here. At the same time.. We have been separated by unconventional means. I do believe it was for good reason but I disagree with such length of what is perceived to be "time" through the chaos of this reality storm. Because you are me I can wildy assume like myself, there are days you have dreamed & put on the mask pretending to be [N...redacted], but truly it is the king who has jumped into this vessel and now walks around with his face in the year of 2025 for a chance of a quiet & normal life. Trust me, I've been in that head space a lot and can completely empathize. I believe you have been hurting for a very long time. Even thousands of miles away in the sand & more so when the threads lay closer to the Hudson, I can feel it. It's impossible not to. We've been misplaced which is no fault of our own. A quote of not my own but still revel "I cannot stop the down-pour, but I will always walk with you in the rain" seems more appropriate under current circumstances. There will be a time where my bravery to face myself will show up at one of your many doors. Un-ironically I can only hope you don't immediately turn us away. Wholeheartedly, while life is messy it doesn't mean you have to venture it alone. You are no stranger knowing everything about me that there is to know. There is nothing else for me to hide. While I could have sent this by other means, sometimes prying eyes are best left to their imaginations. | |